It’s not real until it’s real.
Have you ever felt like you’re not where you want to be? Have you taken a moment to think about what “there” looks like for you?
In a recent therapy session, I expressed my frustration to my therapist about not being where I want to be. I'm aware I’m making progress, but it still feels like I'm just scratching the surface—not quite getting through the door. In my mind, I know where "there" is. I can picture it. I like to believe I understand what it should feel like. That’s why it’s easy for me to feel frustrated and express why I haven’t arrived yet. But does that justify the pressure I put on myself? If you don’t water your lawn, it won’t stay green, right?
Let’s unpack this deeper.
Life is filled with nuance. On one hand, we can celebrate small wins, acknowledging every step forward. On the other, we need to avoid getting too comfortable with those wins, because they don’t always lead to the bigger goal. Winning a regular season or even a playoff game doesn’t guarantee a championship. As athletes know, anything can happen. The goal is to win, not just look like you’re winning, right?
It’s easy to confuse activity with real progress or get stuck in celebrating small wins that don’t move us closer to the bigger goal. Sometimes, we think we’re progressing, but in reality, we’re not moving forward.
I’ve been there—applying for jobs, internships, or seeking brand partnerships—thinking everything I’ve done up to the application point was leading me to the right opportunity, only to find out I wasn’t qualified or connected enough to even be considered. Does that mean I went down the wrong path? Does it mean I wasted my time? Does it mean I’m behind in my journey if I keep pursuing it? How you answer these questions depends on your mentality, and I’ll share mine in a bit, but first, let me address something.
People often say it’s not about the destination, but the journey. I even have “no true arrival” and “only the journey” tattooed on me as a reminder that “there” is often subjective. But there’s a hard truth: when we have a dream, there’s always the risk we might not reach it, no matter how hard we work. We see people win every day and hold on to stories of those who make it to the top. But we rarely hear about those who don’t make it. How do they feel? How do you feel about the times you’ve lost? I’m not talking about the small losses, but the real ones, with meaningful stakes. Did you pivot and stop caring, or does it leave a bad taste in your mouth?
I think about athletes who’ve worked their whole lives to get to the top and still couldn’t cross the finish line. How often do they look back on the big game they lost? They spent years, put in countless hours, and waited for that one moment, only to fall short—and maybe never get that chance again. How could they not? I’ve talked to people who’ve made it to the big game multiple times, won and lost, and still reflect on the losses more than the wins.
Can you relate?
Maybe you can, maybe you can’t. But after sharing all this with my therapist, she validated my feelings but gently pointed out that I might have a patience problem. I’d be lying if I said I don’t want things when I want them. I want things to unfold exactly as I envision them. But that’s not how life works.
I get it.
A part of me knows I need to work on my patience. There’s that quote: “Patience is not simply the ability to wait; it’s how we behave while we’re waiting.” The behavior in between matters, but the mentality behind it is what I’m grappling with.
At some point, I developed this “it’s not real until it’s real” mentality.
It’s not just from childhood struggles—this mindset has been shaped by experiences with people, mentors, friends, and family who didn’t care about hypotheticals, goals, or ideas unless they were backed by proof. I’ve had business deals fall apart before they even began and personal plans that never came to fruition. I don’t feel like I have the luxury of optimism when it comes to what I’m striving for. Once the brainstorming phase is over, all the optimism and delusion go out the door if I’m trying to make it happen.
Do you see the pattern? If not, I’ll say it plainly: my past disappointments and feelings of abandonment have led me to approach things with caution and skepticism.
Do I believe I have the ability to make things happen? Absolutely. But I don’t believe they’ll come true unless I’m actively working toward them, with a sense of urgency. I don’t buy into the idea that “if it’s meant for you, it will work out”—because people ruin their blessings every day. We have the ability to sabotage what’s meant for us, causing it to never come to fruition. I don’t mean to be morbid, but I need you to understand how deeply I think about this. I also reflect on the people I’ve lost too soon—people who never got the chance to actualize their dreams. Life’s a gift, no doubt, and you never know when it’s your time to go. So why wouldn’t I move accordingly with a sense of urgency? This mindset goes beyond just dreams and goals. It applies to family, friends, potential partners, opportunities—everything. Until it’s real, it’s not real. I can’t afford to get my hopes up for something that might never come to be.
This mentality is rooted in past disappointments. It’s hard for me to get excited or fully engage until something is actually happening because I’m used to things not working out. I need concrete, undeniable proof that I’m on the right path, that I’m making progress—even if that progress is small, invisible, or still unfolding. Until then, everything feels fragile or like a pipe dream. I remember when I got into my PhD program. Everyone spoke highly of it, but I couldn’t wear that badge because working toward something isn’t the same as achieving it. Even within the PhD program, someone once told me that being in a program didn’t matter and that I didn’t deserve the speaking opportunity they gave me on topics I researched daily. In my mind, being a PhD student and a PhD candidate is different from having the actual PhD. But even with or without the PhD, what really matters is the opportunity to thrive after achieving it.
The hard truth that I struggle to recognize in the moment is that when something finally becomes real, I’m so stunned that I can’t fully experience it. It either feels too perfect to be true, or it doesn’t match my expectations. Sometimes I’m so focused on what’s next that I miss what’s happening now.
In just three days, my therapist, career consultant, and chiropractor all said the same thing: they have no doubt I’ll make it. They urged me to embrace the journey because once I reach "there," there’s no turning back. Those words hit deep, almost as if a higher power is trying to break through to my stubborn, hard-headed nature—or maybe it’s my inner trauma.
I love myself enough to embrace my imperfections, both publicly and privately. I know there are times when my intentions get clouded, and I chase something, hoping peace will emerge from the pain in the deepest parts of my heart and mind. But I don’t need to be perfect or the ideal example of anything. Even writing these words puts me in a vulnerable space, opening myself up to others' opinions, advice, and critiques.
If any of this resonates with you, know you’re not alone. And here’s something I’m still learning to fully embrace: grace.
Grace is the unearned kindness, compassion, and favor that promotes healing. It’s about embracing yourself and your experiences with empathy, understanding, and forgiveness—especially when you feel undeserving. Practicing grace is a daily effort, but it requires conscious awareness of the work we’re putting in. Without that awareness, we risk falling into passive, unconscious thought patterns that affect us without realizing it.
There’s irony in it: for something to be real, you need to be actively present in the moment. Offering yourself grace means engaging with the present. This ties into being mentally and physically present in life—a concept I struggle with, especially as a dreamer. As I write these words while walking to the library, I realize I need to shift my focus to being more present.
Looking back, I see the question I asked earlier was misguided. It’s not about "there," it’s about here. So let me reframe the question as my closing thoughts to you: