just some thoughts at 11:45am

Some days, I feel like I'm not doing enough. Other days, it feels like I'm doing too much. There are times when fear holds me back from becoming who I could be, but then there are moments when fear doesn't even cross my mind.

I often wonder what others see when they look at me, and sometimes, I wish I could see myself through their eyes. I wonder what they think of me.

Sometimes I wish I knew, rather than projecting my own thoughts onto them.

I wish someone could hand me a set of guidelines for life. I often find myself questioning if I'm living the "right" way. Is this all there is? Is there more out there for me? Am I hurting those who love me most? Am I living for myself, or for others?

Will I ever find the love I truly deserve? Am I holding myself back from opening up to love due to deep-seated feelings of being unlovable, undesirable, or unattractive? Or am I simply preparing myself by holding myself to a high standard, working on becoming the right person for someone else? Is the love I seek already around me, and do I just need to let go of how I think love should look and feel?

People keep asking, "What's next?" I keep answering, "I don't know." The truth is, what's next is the unknown. Are the possibilities endless or limited? How much control do we really have over what's unknown? I used to think I had control. I used to think I knew, but these days, I'm not so sure.

I never really know. I'm just doing my best. And that best looks different every day. I'm just trying not to get in my own way even though sometimes I do.

I'm a dreamer. I want more from life. I have a vision for everything, but I've also had dreams deferred, detoured, and sidelined. I've seen dreams die, only to be reborn in new directions. My life doesn't look how I thought it would. I thought it would be different than this. Maybe it was naive to think it would be like a boy praying to only see the sun.

Am I happy? Am I proud? Am I fulfilled? Am I the right person?

What's missing? What am I missing? Will I ever know?